I picked up a pen and smiled

This one is for you. And you know it too. I didn't feel inspired. And you made me write one day.

I picked up a pen and smiled

The beauty of your brokenness makes me want to grasp the pieces
Mold them, remake them, find the joint releases
Follow you to nowhere soon or lead you to somewhere boldly
Protect and shield the guarded one, the vengeful treated coldly

I can't let you block a guardian angel, just finding her wings
And I will let you play the savior, to see what saving brings
Forgive fast, let's not reject the feel of the unknown
Surrounded by faces, your kindred spirit ties with mine alone

Remember, twisted shadows require sunlight first
And better only exists when preceded by a worst
Satisfy your need to be by being as good as you are
And the essence of us will push caution's door ajar

i'm not that nice when daydreaming

I was really happy when I wrote this. I'm confused.

I'm not that nice when daydreaming

I'd call you self-centered, but I'm not sure you have a core
Because you are so consumed with being unassuming
I couldn't care less if you find your way because you had your way with me
And I don't really think about you being well because I'm not sure you ever meant well
It is sweet revenge knowing you will think fondly of what I won't remember
I finally see you for who you really are and what you never will be

it's getting late

Focus is not a camera setting
or a state of mind
but the lazy decision
to acquiesce to order

Somehow i am uninterested
in overpriced text pages
and linear life plans
that worked for boring strangers

So I'll let the dishes pile high
and watch the laundry make mounds
then skip the unnecessary showers
in lieu of bad decisions

I'll let the lustful girls play
and stomp on a few dance floors
then wash my apprehensions down
with another cup of coffee

I'll drink a few too many mike's
and laugh a little too loud
Because youth is fleeting
and I'm chasing it readily

thinking of you

I don't think i needed to cry about you
I think i just needed to cry
And you happened to be a convenient villian
But thanks for the tears that you claimed
To let me feel a validated sadness

i don't write poems when i'm happy

it's been a long since i've been so happy that i've wanted to cry,
and i'm having that moment right now, and i'm not sure how to handle it.
i think i'll just cry. and go back to watching really bad reality television.
i am happy. but this time when i say it, i mean it. :)

the woman child

the edge of reason does not have a substantial blade
for a headstrong girl who refuses to bleed
still, the lifewater runs dry
because substance is not quenched by water
but by rationality alone

the spectrum of feeling

The ambiguity of the clouds did the rainbow no justice
So we grabbed that rainbow and wrapped our hands in its fluid edges
And regressed to childhood folly and fantasy with forgotten abandon

There was more to that rope than the illusion of its colors
And the beats of rainbow games fused sounds of teardrops and laughter
So we sweat and cried and jumped until the clouds gathered overhead

But you couldn't hold on to childhood beliefs threatened by menacing skies
So the warmth of the yellows and oranges cowered in face of doubt
And the indigo shadows and blues skies planted themselves in your mind

And heart.

Wake up call

"That Chinese food didn't taste right."

Potential food poisoning and the droning of some repetitive news network put me to sleep. It was a long day, and getting longer. Sitting in a comfortable chair was not as relaxing as it would have been at another person's apartment. I dated "her" for three years and loved her for ten, so comfort just wasn't that easy for us anymore.

I stopped at her job after work and took her keys so I could rest at her apartment and wait for her to get off. I kept telling everyone at work I didn't feel that well, but I guess people don't care how a sales associate feels if she can fold clothes and smile.

An Ohio snow storm is mostly unpleasant, especially for the lucky ones, like myself, with no heat in their cars. I drove from my job, to her job, to the Chinese restaurant with one hand on my steering wheel. My other hand served as an extra windshield wiper to scrape frost off of the inside of my car and rub my legs for warmth.

After I spent a day staring at people's hand-me-downs, arguing with middle-aged women, and belittling myself just to get along, I was exhausted. I couldn't wait to get to her apartment, even if it meant I would be forced to be alone with my thoughts.

The night before the snow storm was a storm of its own. I was angry at myself for leaving a bar in tears because of news that should not have upset me as it did. People date. Stop dating. And date other people. Life is just like that. But the simplicity of the matter doesn't make the emotions of the matter less complicated.

I didn't want to remember leaving a crowd in tears. Who would? I thought some Chinese food and decent television would distract me. The chair was so soft. Even if it was furniture meant to be "ours," I could appreciate its cushions for a few hours.

I'm not sure how much time passed between my slumber and my living nightmare. I could not look at the clock above the television because I realized my body wouldn't let me. I was hyperventilating, and my heart was pounding too fast. Something wasn't right.

My legs crumbled under me as I tried to get help, so I resolved to crawling "army style" across the floor to her roommate's door. I pounded harder than my heart beat, wondering if I had to entrust my life to someone who didn't even like me that much.

I spoke in irrational fragments when he opened the door. I was panicking because I couldn't breathe, and it wasn't getting better. My heart rate was chasing the speed of my current lifestyle, and both could not co-exist. I told her roommate to call for help. He told me the paramedics were on their way.

I shook on the floor wondering if I would ever see my ex again. Or our dog. Or my roommates. Or my sister. Or my mother. Or the should-have-beens. Or the should-not-have-beens.

Every person I loved or loathed came to remembrance as I tried to keep myself conscious. I pictured my sister telling me a funny joke. I re-created my first kiss with the only girl I ever loved. I hallucinated my dog resting in my shaking arms. I even felt the latest taste of rejection graze my lips, mimicking the kiss I remembered/ thought I remembered from last night.

Then, those comforting feelings turned to sadness. What if there was something I said or did to someone I couldn't change? Did I miss the chance to meet my soul mate? Did I meet my soul mate without recognizing it?

I begged an unseen presence for help, and I yelled some kind of incoherent prayer.

The paramedics came, and my heart rate slowed. They decided an ambulance ride was unnecessary after asking me questions, both relevant and irrelevant. One paramedic was convinced I was a coke addict, an insult that would not register until later.

After waiting about an hour, my ex came to my rescue as she always does. Her smiling face rounded the corner, and she assured me everything would be all right. I cried, and she mistook my tears as a sign that I feared losing her.

As a doctor diagnosed me with severe dehydration, I felt completely numb. A life with no sleep, excessive caffeine, endless stress, and too much liquor finally caught up with me. And almost killed me.

Now I sit in my living room riding the coattails of a year that nearly killed me, in more ways than one. If I would have died in her living room, would those drinks and those insecurities have been worth it? Would my legacy be a legacy at all?

I don't have to make resolutions for 2010. I resolve to live. In every sense of the word. I am done relishing in memories and chasing impossible futures. Both disguise the reality of my present. Some things were. And some things will be.

But life does not stop. Even for a selfish 21-year-old who thinks she has it all figured out. And wraps herself up in people and things that only masquerade as important.

Life would have continued without me, but I don't want it to. I want to be a contributor, instead of a bystander, in my own life.