Chasing a feeling

I have an obsession with the intangible
With emotions I can name but refuse to feel
Or emotions I'm not sure exist at all
So stay as unreachable as your conscience allows
And I'll forgive the feeder of my addiction

bye bye 2009

I am having the time of my life already, and break just started.

I want to write a few things about 2009 before it's gone. I don't think I'll have much free time in coming days, so a quick moment before work seems like the perfect time to reflect.

Take that 2009...

*Something that ends isn't always bad, and something that lasts isn't always good.
*Real friends will always be there, but that doesn't mean you should take their presence for granted.
*Blacking out is only temporary, but the consequences of a blackout usually aren't.
*Cats can cuddle on my bed, and I can be okay with it.
*The love my family has for me is a constant reason I don't stop trying to be better.
*There is always room for improvement, and when there isn't, it's time to find another hobby.
*Reality television is really bad, but really good.
*I can't always assume a failed relationship was my fault. Or anyone's fault. Some people work together, and others don't.
*It is okay to cut people out of your life who make you feel bad. Even if they aren't bad.
*21 is so young. But so old.
*Forgive until you are dizzy. And crazy. And sick of forgiving. Because there is always a day you will beg for forgiveness.
*Dirty dishes, untidy bathrooms, and stolen food are small problems in exchange for roommates with big hearts.
*There is solace in silence. And discovery in loneliness.
*Death destroys. So punch a pillow, break a glass, take a year off, or whatever you must to survive. But never underestimate your value in the world to others.


I am convinced 2009 is the year in my life that will define me. I didn't do anything exceptionally great, but I developed a definition of what greatness means to me. And 2010, 2020, and 2030 will be so much better because of it.

Later 2009.

Fun with fees

When I anticipate a really good weekend coming,
I won't check my bank statement until the weekend is over.
A ten-dollar fee seems fair payment for priceless memories.

the meaning of i love you

Without them, I literally could not be. I do not take having a great family for granted. Ever.

The meaning of i love you

Shades of ebony confine me to a place where no one survives
Where mediocrity scorches hope like fire, ever burning
But a fighting woman's smile mends broken wings
And a brown embrace makes impossible, the attainable

i can't wake up if i never sleep

your dilated pupils and
my untwisted mind
have something in common
so i'll reside
in your bloodshot gaze
While you run around
my easy mind
and the enlightenment
of stolen concentration
will save us all

Denial

Denial

When I pretend things don't exist
Sometimes, they stop existing
Or maybe, just maybe
The disillusioned will be denied
And I will cease to be
Simply because someone refused to think of me

The punch line? Reality.

2 puffy cheeks filled with laughter
1 joke of second grade proportions
2 people in and out of love
1 attempt at normalcy
2 classes not worth attending
1 shade of indescribable red

And 2 octaves of joy
Echoing across the boring walls
Of a tidy bathroom

A rare portrait of tender moments
That encourage forever
To be more than a promise ring
Or 17-year-old fantasy

Sweetest day dying

A persistent flower appears
Peeking through curled leaves
Of a dying harvest bouquet
Reminding a defeated girl
On a formless bed
That late bloomers
Can still find beauty
In their own time

F for procrastination, A for self-evaluation

One of the most difficult parts about being an adult is making the realization that letting go isn't always an option. As a child, it was easier to hold on to unhealthy relationships because the depth of perception didn't exist. I could not evaluate the way a half-hearted friendship or relationship made me feel until it was already done.

Now, I can look at my life as though I have mirrors on all sides. I see people haunting my reflection, and I have to let them go. They keep the chains of indifference wrapped around my ankles and threaten to exhaust me with their creation of false realities.

Youth isn't an excuse to mistreat people or be mistreated. I pity those who can't give emotions freely to those they cherish most. While I'd love to help them find peace in stability, I'm too busy trying to find my own.

It's easy for people to seem irreplaceable, but the inevitability of time always proves differently. Goodbye to those who made me question the essence of being good. I'm done asking what's wrong with me.

I've started asking what's right with them.

Occupied

Occupied

There is a quietness in my demeanor
And a gentility in my smile
Which may suggest a certain innocence
I wish I could remember
But the reality of my silence
Reflects a calculated action
To combat the weight of sameness
Mistaken for concrete identity

Daydreaming an old reality

Daydreaming an old reality

She convinced me to lose my inhibitions
And my clothes
Beneath the stars
In the uncut grass of a backyard

No one else on that road
Or in the universe existed
But the beautiful girl
Who let me kiss her softly

When the raindrops came
And I whispered in her hair
I knew it wouldn't be the last time
The warmth of our bodies
Would awaken a power within me

So as customers chatter endlessly
And money exchanges hopeless hands
I smile fondly
Remembering a liberating summer

More than a pocket of faith

I took a rare trip to my church this Sunday. I don't make it there often, usually due to a mixture of retail responsibilities and Saturday night sin.
Every Sunday, ten minutes into the sermon, I think about what faith means to me, and I never conclude much.
This Sunday, I didn't try to evaluate my present. Instead, I skimmed my Bible's pages for remnants of my past. The pages, nearly a decade old, spoke volumes about who I was as an adolescent.

"Is faith in your pocket?"

After I heard this silly question from the pulpit, I knew it was time to administer a self-sermon for the duration of the service.

I found the faith of a younger me sprinkled delicately throughout the curled pages of my Bible.
Highlighted passages revealed a lost practice of daily Bible reading and self-reflection.
Each passage I highlighted as a youth rarely mentioned Jesus or God. Instead,faded shades of neon green and yellow favored words such as "grace, mercy, righteousness, charity, wisdom...."

Perhaps my quest for religion then and religion now isn't so different.

My faith has never been about a cult submission to a book written long ago. It's about defining standards for myself I won't let go.

I miss being grounded in religion. I miss being grounded in anything.

Maybe it's time to dig out a highlighter.

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I had to respond without responding.

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I never felt as much hatred for a stranger
As I did that night
When she arrogantly grabbed your face
Looked challengingly at me
And kissed you

Men and women alike
Seem mesmerized by her nonchalance
But I see that backbone
For the uncertainty it really is

Because I can be sexy
Without flaunting my sexuality
And I can feel loved
Without making people love me

So I regret that conversation
About blazers and flowers
When she rudely tried to kiss me
The first night we met

Because I see her
For the wretched person
She truly is
And I am unimpressed