Trouble Clef

Trouble Clef

I am sitting in Understanding Music.
Misunderstanding myself.
My professor keeps talking about a composer who wrote a symphony to win a woman's heart.
The symphony is about the composer going to the guillotine and getting his head chopped off.
The woman heard the song and immediately accepted the composer's hand in marriage after months of ignoring him.

If that's all it takes to get a good girl...I better find a large butcher knife and a piano.

Every time this elderly professor makes a joke, he looks at me because he knows I'm the only one who will laugh.
I think I'm too polite to roll my eyes at someone who knows so much more than I do.
And I am lame enough to find his PG-rated humor refreshing.

Being hungover is so uncomfortable, but I consistenly drink more than I should. When I walk into class smelling like bad decisions, I convince myself I'm better than "this," whatever this is.

And then my professor smiles his friendly smile, and it seems like he forgives me for sins he couldn't know.

I wonder if bored 20-somethings will ever sit in a room and wish they didn't have to learn about my creative genius. Perhaps my work will give them a chance to daydream about being anything but hungover. That's good enough for me.

Feelings of uncertainty

Feelings of uncertainty

Why would I let you
Mend me
When I revel
In being broken

The Glass Coffin

Drinking does strange things to people.

The Glass Coffin

There is no fountain of youth
But you're so damn thirsty
To quench a desire
Of failed maturation

Open your mouth
And take in the warm liquid
That slowly kills your youthful lusts
And destroys your ability to taste feeling

Your glass is half nothing
And your pitcher is never-ending
So forgive yourself quickly
For drowning yourself in sorrow

Pots, Pans, and Feminism

When I was a child, I refused to learn to cook.
Over and over again, family told me I needed to learn to cook for my potential husband's convenience. They asked me if I could be a good wife and serve fast food.
Over and over again, I told them I wouldn't need to cook because I would never have a husband, and I would hire a chef for myself.

Something changed this summer, and cooking turned into an outlet for my frustration, and the kitchen became my safe haven.

Perhaps I am finally comfortable with the idea that I won't ever have a husband.
But I can still cook for my own enjoyment.
And maybe I'll cook for a wife some day.

Restless

Sleeping used to be easy.

Restless

You are intruding in my personal space
Because I own my mind
Even though you own my heart
And I won't rent my dreams
To my living nightmares
Tosses and turns aren't as exhilarating
When they aren't butterflies in my stomach
But violent competitions between regret and satisfaction

Purify Me

Purify Me

Baptism is a silly lesson for the child-like mind
A mere ritual with the pretense of purity
Because the emergence from warm bathwater
Didn't wash away the lies I whispered last night
As I cried myself to sleep in your arms

21 candles

21 Candles

A friend's birthday is supposed to be all about him. It was his special day, and somehow, it turned into my defining moment. I don't know why I woke up with such a purpose. Maybe it was the half-way point of summer and wondering what I did with all of the May and June sunshine.
I woke up that morning and decided I didn't need you. You left me and I did not need you. There were tear-stained pillows tucked under me, and I still did not need you.
What was it about this day that made me know it would be different? Bar crawls at the age of 21 and three months are nothing new. Dressing up for nothing in particular in a Midwestern haven for hipsters and townies is definitely something I've done before.
But I decided whatever I did on that day was for me. It was his birthday, but it was my special day to be something bigger than worries.
I went bar to bar for his celebration, and I just didn't feel anything. I'm pretty sure I kissed a few strangers, but a friend told me that kisses were the new handshake.
I knew little of my friend's life before me, but the people at the wooden table could tell me a few stories. They knew him better than I did, and it made me want to know them. Because I loved him. And he loved them.
His friends were joyful, and with the summer I was having, I figured they might be the sunshine I needed.
One girl caught my eye, and I mourned her sexuality out loud before I even asked. I guess a few bad months taught me to expect disappointment.
The drunkenness, the boldness, and the laughter that ensued from my sarcastic assumption changed my summer.
As I helped carry him home, I was so glad he was born. I knew I'd fall in love with him and that our friendship would last forever. His friend was pretty, but on the drunk walk home, she wasn't all I remembered.
I remembered how I felt when you wouldn't take me back. And the despair that existed when young love was not infinite love.
Somehow, bar crawling that July...buying a birthday beer...and getting a pretty girl's phone number meant my tears would stop pouring.
Maybe it was his birthday.
But it was my re-birth.

Sometimes I play the victim
So I don't have to admit how much I victimize

Me Her & Her

Writing a paper doesn't sound as good to me right now as thinking about the wonderful girls who make me full of emotions I can't always name.

Me Her & Her

I did an appraisal of your value
And there is no way I am worthy
Rare jewels aren't adorned with plastic
And impostors don't entertain originals.

I did an appraisal of my value
And there is no way you are worthy
Sincerity isn't adorned with charity
And rationality doesn't entertain insanity

There is a beauty in our history
That transcends all imperfections
And you are the diamond
That refuses to stop shining

There is a beauty in our brevity
That transcends all reason
And you are the diamond
That refuses to stop shining

There is me
And you
And you

You try to make me treasure
You try to pawn me away

And the remnants of my confusion
And the ecstasy of my turmoil
Are worth more than the lackluster diamond
You could give me
Or I could give her