Chasing a feeling

I have an obsession with the intangible
With emotions I can name but refuse to feel
Or emotions I'm not sure exist at all
So stay as unreachable as your conscience allows
And I'll forgive the feeder of my addiction

bye bye 2009

I am having the time of my life already, and break just started.

I want to write a few things about 2009 before it's gone. I don't think I'll have much free time in coming days, so a quick moment before work seems like the perfect time to reflect.

Take that 2009...

*Something that ends isn't always bad, and something that lasts isn't always good.
*Real friends will always be there, but that doesn't mean you should take their presence for granted.
*Blacking out is only temporary, but the consequences of a blackout usually aren't.
*Cats can cuddle on my bed, and I can be okay with it.
*The love my family has for me is a constant reason I don't stop trying to be better.
*There is always room for improvement, and when there isn't, it's time to find another hobby.
*Reality television is really bad, but really good.
*I can't always assume a failed relationship was my fault. Or anyone's fault. Some people work together, and others don't.
*It is okay to cut people out of your life who make you feel bad. Even if they aren't bad.
*21 is so young. But so old.
*Forgive until you are dizzy. And crazy. And sick of forgiving. Because there is always a day you will beg for forgiveness.
*Dirty dishes, untidy bathrooms, and stolen food are small problems in exchange for roommates with big hearts.
*There is solace in silence. And discovery in loneliness.
*Death destroys. So punch a pillow, break a glass, take a year off, or whatever you must to survive. But never underestimate your value in the world to others.


I am convinced 2009 is the year in my life that will define me. I didn't do anything exceptionally great, but I developed a definition of what greatness means to me. And 2010, 2020, and 2030 will be so much better because of it.

Later 2009.

Fun with fees

When I anticipate a really good weekend coming,
I won't check my bank statement until the weekend is over.
A ten-dollar fee seems fair payment for priceless memories.

the meaning of i love you

Without them, I literally could not be. I do not take having a great family for granted. Ever.

The meaning of i love you

Shades of ebony confine me to a place where no one survives
Where mediocrity scorches hope like fire, ever burning
But a fighting woman's smile mends broken wings
And a brown embrace makes impossible, the attainable

i can't wake up if i never sleep

your dilated pupils and
my untwisted mind
have something in common
so i'll reside
in your bloodshot gaze
While you run around
my easy mind
and the enlightenment
of stolen concentration
will save us all

Denial

Denial

When I pretend things don't exist
Sometimes, they stop existing
Or maybe, just maybe
The disillusioned will be denied
And I will cease to be
Simply because someone refused to think of me

The punch line? Reality.

2 puffy cheeks filled with laughter
1 joke of second grade proportions
2 people in and out of love
1 attempt at normalcy
2 classes not worth attending
1 shade of indescribable red

And 2 octaves of joy
Echoing across the boring walls
Of a tidy bathroom

A rare portrait of tender moments
That encourage forever
To be more than a promise ring
Or 17-year-old fantasy

Sweetest day dying

A persistent flower appears
Peeking through curled leaves
Of a dying harvest bouquet
Reminding a defeated girl
On a formless bed
That late bloomers
Can still find beauty
In their own time

F for procrastination, A for self-evaluation

One of the most difficult parts about being an adult is making the realization that letting go isn't always an option. As a child, it was easier to hold on to unhealthy relationships because the depth of perception didn't exist. I could not evaluate the way a half-hearted friendship or relationship made me feel until it was already done.

Now, I can look at my life as though I have mirrors on all sides. I see people haunting my reflection, and I have to let them go. They keep the chains of indifference wrapped around my ankles and threaten to exhaust me with their creation of false realities.

Youth isn't an excuse to mistreat people or be mistreated. I pity those who can't give emotions freely to those they cherish most. While I'd love to help them find peace in stability, I'm too busy trying to find my own.

It's easy for people to seem irreplaceable, but the inevitability of time always proves differently. Goodbye to those who made me question the essence of being good. I'm done asking what's wrong with me.

I've started asking what's right with them.

Occupied

Occupied

There is a quietness in my demeanor
And a gentility in my smile
Which may suggest a certain innocence
I wish I could remember
But the reality of my silence
Reflects a calculated action
To combat the weight of sameness
Mistaken for concrete identity

Daydreaming an old reality

Daydreaming an old reality

She convinced me to lose my inhibitions
And my clothes
Beneath the stars
In the uncut grass of a backyard

No one else on that road
Or in the universe existed
But the beautiful girl
Who let me kiss her softly

When the raindrops came
And I whispered in her hair
I knew it wouldn't be the last time
The warmth of our bodies
Would awaken a power within me

So as customers chatter endlessly
And money exchanges hopeless hands
I smile fondly
Remembering a liberating summer

More than a pocket of faith

I took a rare trip to my church this Sunday. I don't make it there often, usually due to a mixture of retail responsibilities and Saturday night sin.
Every Sunday, ten minutes into the sermon, I think about what faith means to me, and I never conclude much.
This Sunday, I didn't try to evaluate my present. Instead, I skimmed my Bible's pages for remnants of my past. The pages, nearly a decade old, spoke volumes about who I was as an adolescent.

"Is faith in your pocket?"

After I heard this silly question from the pulpit, I knew it was time to administer a self-sermon for the duration of the service.

I found the faith of a younger me sprinkled delicately throughout the curled pages of my Bible.
Highlighted passages revealed a lost practice of daily Bible reading and self-reflection.
Each passage I highlighted as a youth rarely mentioned Jesus or God. Instead,faded shades of neon green and yellow favored words such as "grace, mercy, righteousness, charity, wisdom...."

Perhaps my quest for religion then and religion now isn't so different.

My faith has never been about a cult submission to a book written long ago. It's about defining standards for myself I won't let go.

I miss being grounded in religion. I miss being grounded in anything.

Maybe it's time to dig out a highlighter.

Post Comment

I had to respond without responding.

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I never felt as much hatred for a stranger
As I did that night
When she arrogantly grabbed your face
Looked challengingly at me
And kissed you

Men and women alike
Seem mesmerized by her nonchalance
But I see that backbone
For the uncertainty it really is

Because I can be sexy
Without flaunting my sexuality
And I can feel loved
Without making people love me

So I regret that conversation
About blazers and flowers
When she rudely tried to kiss me
The first night we met

Because I see her
For the wretched person
She truly is
And I am unimpressed

Trouble Clef

Trouble Clef

I am sitting in Understanding Music.
Misunderstanding myself.
My professor keeps talking about a composer who wrote a symphony to win a woman's heart.
The symphony is about the composer going to the guillotine and getting his head chopped off.
The woman heard the song and immediately accepted the composer's hand in marriage after months of ignoring him.

If that's all it takes to get a good girl...I better find a large butcher knife and a piano.

Every time this elderly professor makes a joke, he looks at me because he knows I'm the only one who will laugh.
I think I'm too polite to roll my eyes at someone who knows so much more than I do.
And I am lame enough to find his PG-rated humor refreshing.

Being hungover is so uncomfortable, but I consistenly drink more than I should. When I walk into class smelling like bad decisions, I convince myself I'm better than "this," whatever this is.

And then my professor smiles his friendly smile, and it seems like he forgives me for sins he couldn't know.

I wonder if bored 20-somethings will ever sit in a room and wish they didn't have to learn about my creative genius. Perhaps my work will give them a chance to daydream about being anything but hungover. That's good enough for me.

Feelings of uncertainty

Feelings of uncertainty

Why would I let you
Mend me
When I revel
In being broken

The Glass Coffin

Drinking does strange things to people.

The Glass Coffin

There is no fountain of youth
But you're so damn thirsty
To quench a desire
Of failed maturation

Open your mouth
And take in the warm liquid
That slowly kills your youthful lusts
And destroys your ability to taste feeling

Your glass is half nothing
And your pitcher is never-ending
So forgive yourself quickly
For drowning yourself in sorrow

Pots, Pans, and Feminism

When I was a child, I refused to learn to cook.
Over and over again, family told me I needed to learn to cook for my potential husband's convenience. They asked me if I could be a good wife and serve fast food.
Over and over again, I told them I wouldn't need to cook because I would never have a husband, and I would hire a chef for myself.

Something changed this summer, and cooking turned into an outlet for my frustration, and the kitchen became my safe haven.

Perhaps I am finally comfortable with the idea that I won't ever have a husband.
But I can still cook for my own enjoyment.
And maybe I'll cook for a wife some day.

Restless

Sleeping used to be easy.

Restless

You are intruding in my personal space
Because I own my mind
Even though you own my heart
And I won't rent my dreams
To my living nightmares
Tosses and turns aren't as exhilarating
When they aren't butterflies in my stomach
But violent competitions between regret and satisfaction

Purify Me

Purify Me

Baptism is a silly lesson for the child-like mind
A mere ritual with the pretense of purity
Because the emergence from warm bathwater
Didn't wash away the lies I whispered last night
As I cried myself to sleep in your arms

21 candles

21 Candles

A friend's birthday is supposed to be all about him. It was his special day, and somehow, it turned into my defining moment. I don't know why I woke up with such a purpose. Maybe it was the half-way point of summer and wondering what I did with all of the May and June sunshine.
I woke up that morning and decided I didn't need you. You left me and I did not need you. There were tear-stained pillows tucked under me, and I still did not need you.
What was it about this day that made me know it would be different? Bar crawls at the age of 21 and three months are nothing new. Dressing up for nothing in particular in a Midwestern haven for hipsters and townies is definitely something I've done before.
But I decided whatever I did on that day was for me. It was his birthday, but it was my special day to be something bigger than worries.
I went bar to bar for his celebration, and I just didn't feel anything. I'm pretty sure I kissed a few strangers, but a friend told me that kisses were the new handshake.
I knew little of my friend's life before me, but the people at the wooden table could tell me a few stories. They knew him better than I did, and it made me want to know them. Because I loved him. And he loved them.
His friends were joyful, and with the summer I was having, I figured they might be the sunshine I needed.
One girl caught my eye, and I mourned her sexuality out loud before I even asked. I guess a few bad months taught me to expect disappointment.
The drunkenness, the boldness, and the laughter that ensued from my sarcastic assumption changed my summer.
As I helped carry him home, I was so glad he was born. I knew I'd fall in love with him and that our friendship would last forever. His friend was pretty, but on the drunk walk home, she wasn't all I remembered.
I remembered how I felt when you wouldn't take me back. And the despair that existed when young love was not infinite love.
Somehow, bar crawling that July...buying a birthday beer...and getting a pretty girl's phone number meant my tears would stop pouring.
Maybe it was his birthday.
But it was my re-birth.

Sometimes I play the victim
So I don't have to admit how much I victimize

Me Her & Her

Writing a paper doesn't sound as good to me right now as thinking about the wonderful girls who make me full of emotions I can't always name.

Me Her & Her

I did an appraisal of your value
And there is no way I am worthy
Rare jewels aren't adorned with plastic
And impostors don't entertain originals.

I did an appraisal of my value
And there is no way you are worthy
Sincerity isn't adorned with charity
And rationality doesn't entertain insanity

There is a beauty in our history
That transcends all imperfections
And you are the diamond
That refuses to stop shining

There is a beauty in our brevity
That transcends all reason
And you are the diamond
That refuses to stop shining

There is me
And you
And you

You try to make me treasure
You try to pawn me away

And the remnants of my confusion
And the ecstasy of my turmoil
Are worth more than the lackluster diamond
You could give me
Or I could give her

Girl. Friend.

She's on my mind.

Girl. Friend.

I pretend to be okay
So you are okay
With being okay with me

I apologize to you
For believing that our nothing
Was a something

If caring is cliche
And heartache is passe
Then I'm old-fashioned

When you say you miss me
I wish you meant
You miss being with me

But a hug that's a little too long
And a gaze that's a little too strong
Solidify a half-way friendship

Home

There are romances, and then there is true love. I've found that love in my best friends.

Home

There is something comforting about knowing I don't fit in
At a place where no one was meant to stay very long
And the binds that hold my heartstings here
Will never break with the reality of distance
I will always have a couch or embrace to call home

The discomfort of me in my skin
And the comfort of me in your bed
Make everything okay
You believe when you shouldn't
And you stay when the world retreats

You will always have a couch or embrace to call home
And the world will not fail you
Because I won't let it
Thank you for teaching me
The true meaning of love

Sunlight

Fantasy in practical terms.

Sunlight

The moon told the sun it was too bright
So that star shined a little less
And the planets mourned the birth of mediocrity
For the sun was content to dull its warmth
Just to please the ego of a very full moon

Dependence Day

Dependence Day

The day my independence died was the day my disaster was born
The female touch became my lifeline to the world
And the breath of adventure deflated, replaced by the respirator of commitment
I need a transplant of the human touch to revive my spirit
Patience is a virtue that escaped with my reason
And the need for companionship trapped me in purgatory
There is no completion to an infinite void

There is no me without you
Whoever you are

Running

Running

Knowing you still love him
Somehow makes it easier to know
You won't ever love me
Chasing you in consciousness
As you chase him in your thoughts
Still leaves me in last place

Consolation prizes never hurt so bad

Higher education

Powerpoint lectures...over it.


Higher Education
What if college is making me dumber
I don't want to be the status quo
Trying to sit in a chair for hours
Doesn't make me better
Regurgitation is for sickness...not learning

The Walk Home

You win some and you lose some. I lost this one.

The Walk Home
Your eyes wrinkle when you laugh
And something inside of me awakens
Because strangers shouldn’t feel so familiar
And admiration shouldn’t be adoration
Walk with me a little longer
Something about you inspires me
I need to be better because I met you
I won’t tell the stars that your eyes took their sparkle

A mile became an inch because this walk can’t end
And then you tell me she is waiting for you
And the miracle that was destiny fades away

Awake

Awake
Insomnia is a brave condition
The silence of the night reveals secrets
Nightmares in slumber end
Nightmares of life continue

The Mirror

My worst nightmare is coming true.

The Mirror
I never thought my reflection would be a 50-something man
No sense of commitment and no responsibility
A man with all of the potential but no fulfillment
No conscience and no apologies
A man with all of the answers but no solutions
No faith and no reason to believe
A man with all of the chances but no victories

I never thought my reflection would be a 50-something man
Forgive me father
For I am you

Untitled

She is everything but can never be enough.

Untitled\
I hate your smile
It reminds me how much I make you cry
You meant more to me then
But most to me now
Because I won't leave that smile

And when I have the courage to go
You smile through your tears
And the hatred of your smile becomes home

Lions

I hate women. But love them more. So I wrote this.

Lions
I don't think lions always want to kill
Maybe they just love the thrill of the chase
Maybe they enjoy the beauty of their prey
Maybe that beauty is their true obsession

I don't think women always want to run
Maybe they just love the thrill of the chase
Maybe I enjoy the beauty in my disappointment
Maybe that rejection is my true obsession

Commitment

Sometimes the nicest things make me uncomfortable...

Commitment
When you call me pet names
I wish I were a stray
So I could run away from you

Life

Life

I've seen what death does to the living
And what living does to the living
I'm not sure which one's worse

Thought

I had this thought in class. It made me chuckle.

Thought
"There is a kid in here who has an Indiana Jones t-shirt on. And his hat looks like Indiana Jones too. Wonder if he did that on purpose."

100

I wrote this poem because she will never leave my head. She taught me lessons about love. Not everyone wants it...lesson learned.

100
You don't get 100 points for hitting my bulls eye.
Because you didn't pay to play in the first place.
You cut the line to win my heart.
And she couldn't get her spot back.
Don't shoot your rubber arrow.
Jokes of love sting twice as hard.